The Best Worst-Gift I Received for Christmas

Many people had asked me what was the best Christmas present I received last year. For weeks I’ve been trying to come up with an answer, but the truth is that the best Christmas presents are usually kind of dull. And they are dull because they are practical. Socks. Underwear. Gift cards. Cash. A Gift Certificate of Forgiveness (from your wife) to be played at any one event during the year where you forget to get her a gift, such as your anniversary.

Instead of showing off some of the best gifts (the Rosie Reds membership from my wife's aunt is pretty hard to beat), I'd prefer to share with you the Best Worst-Gift I received.

Every year, most of us get a gift from a loved one—typically an older member of the family—that is meaningful but usually kind of ridiculous. For example, a few years back my wife's grandma gave me a tool that you keep in your car's glove compartment to use, and I quote, "to break your window in the event you drive into a lake." I could only assume she had given me this gift based on her own driving experiences. Another year my mom gave me a tie that looked like a piano and actually played music. There were only two problems with this: 1) I don't know how to play the piano and 2) Guys who wear piano ties don't get invited to parties. (They get invited to sit home alone on Saturday nights, locked securely in a sound-proof room at least 70 yards from their wives.)

But this year's Best Worst-Gift takes the cake. It really puts all other gifts to shame. In fact, I previously mentioned that a gift such as this would be the ultimate in bad gifts. And, apparently, someone was listening.

So I'd like to thank my wife for giving me the Best Worst-Gift I've ever received, which I now proudly display (on the floor) in my office. It serves as a constant reminder that my wife is, and always will be, pure evil.1

1It's important to note that John Stamos is my arch enemy. It's also important to note that Kelly Kapowski would never have given me a gift like this. 
OK, so I can't keep it on my office floor forever. What do you think I should do with it? Comment below and perhaps I will take your suggestion.

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