Passive Aggressive Lunchbox Notes (For Moms & Dads)

There are 5 different types of notes you can write on your kid’s lunch napkin. They are:

1.     The Affectionate Note
(Have a great day! I love you!)
2.     The Reminder Note
(Don’t forget, Grandma is picking you up from school today!)
3.     The Educational Note
(5 + 4 = 9)
4.     The “Dad Fact” Note
(Did you know the Designated Hitter was added to baseball in 1973? #dadfact)
5.     The Passive Aggressive Note
(This sandwich looks delicious. You should try eating it today.)

I’ve been leaving notes on my daughter’s lunch napkins all year, a practice I picked up from my wife who left the inaugural “Have a great first day of school!” note on my daughter’s very first school lunch napkin. It’s a morning tradition that I’ve not only embraced but also thoroughly enjoy—plus I’m awesome at it, just like I’m awesome at inventing hilarious Twitter hashtags (#biebersmellslikebutts) and growing a mustache (check out this reflection perfection).

My plan at the beginning of the school year was to rotate which type of note I wrote. If I wrote an Affectionate Note on Monday, I’d be sure to write a Dad Fact Note on Tuesday, and so forth. I also promised myself that I’d reserve Passive Aggressive notes for only the most necessary of occasions, such as my daughter forgetting to do her homework or teasing her sisters or leaving a trail of toys that would most certainly cause her parents to suffer a bad case of Lego Limp. 

Lately, though, I find the Passive Aggressive Note is sneaking its way into all the notes. I blame this on my daughter who, for all the straight A’s that she gets and all the academic achievement awards she wins at school, can’t seem to find time at lunch to eat her sandwich. She makes all sorts of excuses, including she “got caught up talking to her friends” and “they don’t give us enough time to eat sandwiches,” which we all know is absurd because it only takes about 14 seconds to eat a sandwich (#dadfact).

Now this may not seem like a big deal to you, but this is terribly offensive to me for three reasons: 1) My wife spends precious time every night making my daughter’s sandwich, time that she could easily use doing something more fun for herself like rubbing my feet; 2) The grocery store deli counter is a miserable land where souls go to die, and yet I enter that war zone each week to provide supplies for that sandwich; 3) Sandwiches are DELICIOUS. Not eating one is like spitting on a rainbow. I mean, who does that?

To demonstrate how the Passive Aggressive Note has sneaked it's way into each of the other types of Lunchbox Notes, here’s a recent set of notes I wrote in an attempt to get my daughter to eat her sandwich, not that any of them actually worked.

Monday: The Affectionate Note

Tuesday: The Reminder Note

Wednesday: The Educational Note

Thursday: The “Dad Fact” Note

Friday: The Passive Aggressive Note

OK, so most of my notes aren't really like this—in fact, most are loving notes or dad facts that my daughter actually looks forward to (and we discuss at night). But every once in a while I think it's OK to vent a little frustration in a funny way, especially when your kid is wasting a perfectly wonderful sandwich. Seriously, child: #EatTheSandwich

*Even Buzzfeed appreciates the Passive Aggressive Note -- Check out #17!

Oh Boy, You're Having a Girl
(A Dad's Survival Guide to Raising Daughters)

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* Also, follow me on Twitter @BrianKlems. I promise to occasionally say funny things. 

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